More on Reaching Potty Training Success

ChelB. left me a lovely comment, which is always great motivation to post! She said, "Hi! I'm also a nanny as well.... I noticed your little snippet about potty training so I wondered if you could provide some more insight!"

Thank you, ChelB. for your comment :) Well, the second go around at potty training with Miss T. was approached differently than the first, primarily because her parents were far more on board, but also because we used a few new tools. In thinking through the problems or set backs we'd had in potty training I came to a few realizations and Miss T.'s mother came up with some good ideas too.

Each child is unique when it comes to any kind of training but those differences are often amplified when it comes to potty training. In Miss T.'s case, she has a very high need for independence and also a need for privacy when it comes to toileting. This came into play when potty training because there are no readily accessible toilets on the main floor. This meant she was struggling with having to ask to go to the toilet and needing assistance to get there. Plus needing help to get up on the potty as the available step stools were too narrow for her to do that safely. By the time she got around to asking, it was way too late. My normal use of a schedule was not working this time because she needed to be left alone to go, she withheld if an adult placed her on the potty, and the schedule was not being used when I was not there so each weekend undid any progress. She was eventually relaxing enough to go when I placed her regularly but she never asked to go and would not be asked to go after I left for the day and eventually ended up wet and/or soiled.

We took a break from potty training all together as Miss T. was obviously frustrated and she has a kidney condition that makes it dangerous for her to hold for extended lengths of time, which is exactly what she was doing in the evenings and weekends.

The second time around two big helps to Miss T. were added. I requested a potty chair to be kept in Miss T.'s main play area, I also taught her how to ask for privacy and worked with her on undressing by herself before the Big Day arrived. Her mother also found this great video which despite its corny name really motivated Miss T.. All things fell together quickly after that. As I usually do, as soon as the Big Day arrived I switched her to "big kid underpants" with lots positive wording to go with it. She got to open her new chair and her video as presents and watched her new video immediately.

There was no looking back. She asked for privacy used the potty and was thrilled that she could do it herself. Within about a month she felt confident enough to go on the grown up toilet with an insert to prevent falling in and actually prefered not to use a step stool for this at all. I allowed her more independence, encouraged her to be a big girl and extended "priviledges" such as going upstairs all by herself to go potty. The potty chair is still sometimes in use if she feels a sudden urgency to go or she is travelling with her parents.

So... here are my potty training tips ;)

• First, switch to underpants or cotton training pants with plastic pants over them. I don't recommend disposable training pants for use during the day. They keep kids as dry as a disposable diaper making it hard for then to tell when they have gone therefore keeping them from making the connection between the sensation of having to go and the result. They lengthen the process considerably and are usually a kind of permission between adult and child not to take the process seriously.
  
• Second, try going with your child's normal schedule. This, of course, is much easier if your child is on a schedule to begin with. I recommend having a child sit on the potty as soon as they wake, a few minutes either before or after meals, and before leaving the house for a trip.

For many children that is all it takes! Consistency and positive verbal reinforcement go a long way for them. If your child or the child in your care is not responding take a step back and reassess. Think about your child's personality and their usual response to expectations or demands placed upon them. Ask yourself what physical barriers may be contributing to the problem and how they can be corrected. It doesn't ever have to be a power struggle because this is one of those instances when the responsiblity can be placed in their little hands as long as they are physically capable. If they are not physcally capable of performing steps such as taking off clothing as necessary then they are probably not ready for potty training either. Give whatever necessary instruction to make their independence possible then try potty training.

"Supernanny" Post

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This is a follow up to my previous post where I discussed a little about how TV handles the nanny job. In reading it over it felt harsh to me and perhaps parent blaming but that is not my intention. What I wanted to convey that the gangbusters style portrayed on the shows is NOT the way for a nanny to go about solving a behavior problem that the parents may be perpetuating. The kind of lay it on the line conversations that go on in the shows are will likely alienate the only co-workers a nanny has in her job - the parents.

Leading by example is usually the way to go and tactful discussions that explain the discipline techniques being used are far more likely to go over well than a critical tirade against someone's parenting style. Also, a parent should never, Never, NEVER be contradicted outright in front of their child. It is wrong to undermine their authority. Our job is to build up and support that authority not tear it down. Conversely, it is imperative to never allow your own authority to be undermined also, once you have given a direction or correction to a child you have to make it stick even if Mommy is ready to give in. If the situation is critical, especially if one or both parents work from home, it is important to have a private and upfront discussion with the parents on your expectations and what type of discipline and schedule you will be using.

Many parents will expect the nanny to be prepared to take the lead in this area and not necessarily expect to have to do much themselves. If this creates too many problems it may be advisable to step back when the parents are there and subtly force them to take the lead instead. The alternative is to become the "bad cop" when everyone is home at the same time. Ultimately unless a parent admits to needing to change and does so this type of job doesn't last long. As a nanny you can only do your best tactfully but confidently share your knowledge and hope for the best - the best for you job but most importantly the best for the children.

So Little Posting, So Much Time

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I'm popping back in. I know I'm not much as a blogger, but time slips away from me so easily.

I spend my days with Little Miss T., who seems to be morphing into Medium Miss T. before my very eyes! My evenings are spent making dinner, cleaning up, tending to my sweet hubby, and recuperating for the next day. Weekends are now spent... working on out very own home!!!

We finally found a place, we are all moved in so of course the first order of business was to tear it up and make it our own. I have learned that painting is hard work! I ended up having to do the very edge where the wall meet the ceiling with one of my art brushes, 1/2 inch wide! I should have my head checked for doing it this way but nothing else seems to get it neat enough.

Well, on the nannying side of things Miss T. and I are enjoying our summer. We are getting outside just about every day. She is riding her new, red, big-girl bicycle which means I get to go jogging. I'm not much for jogging but I'm not ready to have her riding more than 2 feet away from me as she still can get pretty easily distracted which can lead to her not steering or using the brakes. Therefore I have to be withing "averting disaster" distance.

She is also in a very lovey stage right now. It makes the job so much easier but I have to admit it breaks my heart a little bit too. Children are so vulnerable to being hurt or feeling rejection and she will be starting preschool in the fall. I worry about the time that may come if I need to leave because I may not be working enough hours with her. It is different to nannying before I married when my schedule was more flexible. Shifting hours back then was an easy thing but now I am not willing to give up my evenings at home. My home is my main priority. I hope that our schedules will work out well and I'll continue with her a bit longer.

I watched Supernanny this past week. Overall I enjoyed it but it seems to have gotten a bit gimmicky for my taste. TV loves to play up the "Mary Poppins sweeping in and saving the whole family" routine but in reality severe behavior problems take more than a few days to clear up. The issues the show tackles are usually the easiest the change and while they really do make a big impact with the parents when they follow through in my experience long term follow through rarely happens. It is often the case that the parents are as entrenched in a bad habit as their children are. They are getting some hidden reward from the drama. There are often hidden emotional needs being fulfilled.

In particular, I'm thinking of the bedtime issues that seem to go on in every family that participates in the show. If anyone observant pays attention it is usually the case that at least one parent plays into bedtime drama in part to feed their own need to feel loved and needed or be the martyr. Their child "needs" to be rocked and coddled to sleep, then end up in Mommy's and Daddy's bed. The child is inevitably poorly rested, as these routines can last into the wee hours of the morning before anyone gets a wink of actual sleep.

There is also a fear in many parents that their child will love them less or be less attached if they put their foot down and stick to a rule such as "bedtime is at 8:00" not later. Bedtime means that the child is in the bed in which they will sleep through the night whether they are asleep or not. Let all the stories be done at 7:45 the hugs and kisses at 7:59 and let a child have their own thoughts and peace on their own pillow without the insistence and fallacy that as an adult we can somehow control when their eyelids will close by rocking and cooing and bottles only so they can wake and cry again as soon as the parent tries to set them down.

I do my best to put a child to bed content but I do not let him run the show. The very consistency of not being out witted in this simple matter ends the battle quickly and bedtimes ARE enjoyable this way. However, as I said above it is usually a matter of an adult somehow benefiting from the outer chaos. Change does not come easy to those situations without the TV cameras there to keep the grown-ups accountable.

Long time no "see"

Beautiful picture credit!

A very belated happy Spring to all! :) Lots has been going on since last I posted but the main thing is that dear hubby and I are buying a house!! We found THE house and I'm so excited! It was definitely a bittersweet time for me at first since my first thoughts were about how a year ago my mom would have been the first person I would have shared the news with and she would have been overjoyed about it. Even still I get teary with these thoughts. So, I'm working on giving those heartaches over to God and enjoying these moments with hubby.

I am looking forward to the projects hubby and I have planned for our new home. We should be in by the very end of May! I want to sew curtains and have some fun finding those "just right" touches for our home. Hubby is planning some very big projects including putting in hardwood floors himself and wainscoting in the dining room. The really good thing about these projects is that none of them is absolutely necessary for us to move in since the place is in move-in condition already. Some rooms we will leave empty until they are renovated.

So, that's what I'll be up to for a while but I'll pop in and post as I can.

My Poor Babes

We've all been sick this week. I've been keeping my own cold at bay since Tuesday, it had overtaken me over the weekend but bit by bit I have been working on sending it packing. A neti pot, sea salt, a supple of Vicks Vaporub, along with a steady intake of clear liquids helped a lot! My poor hubby got it pretty badly and little Miss T. has had it too. As often happens it seems I live two days in one, back to back. I mean the events of each day feel like they repeat themselves. I go the work and nurse someone with soup and broth; I come home, make another pot of soup to nurse my dear hubby. I often wonder if it feels this way when you are home with your own little ones.

I do think I need to cut back some hours from work. I am feeling too pressed for time to come home and not be able to make a dent in getting dinner cooked before hubby gets home. It is also that I have a harder time getting things done as the day winds down. When I started working for my current family it was part time but my job has become full time as their situation has changed. Mrs. T. works a very demanding job and it used to be that Mr. T. took care of little Miss T. after I left in the afternoons. Now Mr. T.'s new position involves a lot of travel and overnights away and Mrs. T.'s job has become no less demanding. While I accepted for a time the increase in my hours, running from work to home with no time to be making my own house a home is not the way I want to choose to live my life.

Anyway, I'm running for now to take care of hubby and home. Oh! I wanted to share, we have potty training success at last! Next time I let you in on what did the trick.

Brothy Soup for Colds

2 quart filtered or spring water
2T Better than Boullion- I use the organic vegetable base but you may use chicken flavor or equivalent in boullion cubes but be aware the cubes usually contain MSG OR replace all the water with homemade broth
2 carrots, peeled and sliced thin
2 celery stalks chopped (small if the sick person likes celery, large if they don't)
1 onion chopped or halved to be removed later
2 cloves garlic peeled but left whole to be removed before serving

sea salt and black pepper to taste

Optional additions:
parsley (1-2 T fresh or 1 t. dry)
a pinch dill
2 leeks sliced
a handful or two of medium egg noodles
3-4 potatoes peeled and cubed instead of noodles
fresh lemon

This soup is about the broth and the disinfecting power of alliums. It should be kept simple and if any textures are bothersome to the "patient" strain them out or cut them large enough to be kept out of the soup bowl. You can also strain out everything and serve up only the broth in a fancy teacup, which is Miss T.'s favorite way to drink her "medicine."

Put all ingredients in the soup pot except for potatoes, noodles, or lemon and simmer until veggies are tender at minimum and keep on low or in a crockpot to drink broth as needed throughout the day. Add noodles or potatoes 15-20 minutes before serving and sprinkle a few drops of lemon juice in the soup bowl as it is served for a refreshing tang if liked and desired. If you simmer this soup for a long time taste test and add more water if it gets too salty from cooking down.

Update: February 22, 2008

I can't believe it has been nearly a month since I've posted! The time just flew away from me. A good portion of it was taken up by house hunting misadventures :-P

We thought we'd found our place. It was a little Victorian styled place built in the 1980's, very sweet but small. It was even a detached home which was more than we'd hoped for in the super-expensive area we live in. We'd resigned ourselves to the idea that we could only afford one of the zillion cookie-cutter "luxury" townhouses in the area. Weeeellll.... after all the brief excitement of finding an actual home, making an offer and all that hubby and I ended the deal during our inspection phase after reading our prospective home owner association docs.

As New Englanders hubby and I had never heard of such a thing but home owner associations (HOA's) are common in this part of Virginia and as far as we can tell it means paying extra money to live in an area where each neighbor has some say in what you do to your home, your yard, your shutters, your front door, and your veggie garden. We could not stand the idea of doubling our housing expenses to live in such a way, for that we'll continue renting or get a condo where such intrusions are expected! Instead of feeling disappointed though we feel a sense of relief that we didn't jump right in before we realized it was not for us.

We are taking a pause in our search to determine if we really want to buy right now or not. Honestly, we still have a flickering hope to go back to New England in the future. Maybe we like complaining about the weather there (it's always either too hot or too cold!!) or the bumpy roads just say "home" to us. I think we are still dreaming of an actual old Victorian and just can't find the same satisfaction in a make believe one.

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Would You Hire Yourself?... Discipline Part 2

Whether you are a parent or a nanny please ask yourself this question. Would you hire yourself to nanny your own children? Do you display the kind of characteristics you would want your children to learn from and emulate? Are you even tempered and kind, neither overly indulgent nor overly controlling? Do you plan for a fun successful day?

The crux of child discipline is often a healthy dose of self discipline mixed with some fun. Without self discipline it is too easy to overboard in many directions, such as being too lenient, or too harsh, or too smothering. It takes self discipline to act like an adult every day but it is the sense of fun that allows you to laugh with the children in your care and not take mistakes (neither yours nor theirs) too seriously.

I don't use any magical behavioral techniques with children. Though I have taken plenty of classes on the matter, those often have conflicting points of view. I keep things pretty straight forward and simple. It is the same stuff I think we've all heard by now. I use a schedule and properly used time-out is my mainstay (for ages 5 and under) or a sensible consequence for children over 5 years.

"Properly used time-out" means a child first has a rule explained to them age appropriately. If they break the rule they are give one warning face to face at their eye level to make sure they have heard it. If it is broken again they MUST be given a time-out, no second, third, and fourth chances. They are told why they are receiving a time-out, placed in a safe area within eyesight but not being given any extra attention for a specific amount of time, generally one minute per year of age, set on a timer (I am currently using a microwave timer). After, they must apologize with appropriate attitude and make amends as appropriate. No anger or frustration is shown on the part of the adult either before or after but a stern voice is used if appropriate in placing the child in time-out.

I don't overuse the word no or time-out. I prefer to use positive phrasing when possible, especially with children 5 and under who tend to concentrate on the last few words of a sentence. For example, instead of of saying "No, don't play there." As soon as I see them heading in that direction I would say "Stop. Come play here." At the table I would "Here, use your napkin and dab your chin" over "No, don't use your sleeve." It seems like a subtle difference but it emphasizes what they should do rather than what they shouldn't, it seems to give them clearer direction. I reserve "No" for a firm, direct command, especially when there is no readily apparent redirection. I also don't raise my voice unless the house is on fire or a child is running into the street (would you hire a nanny who yelled at your kids?). It is actually more effective to lower your voice and force them to lean in to listen to you rather than tuning out lots of yelling in an already noisy environment. This is where self discipline comes in.

Concerning other discipline techniques, for nannies spanking is never, never, never appropriate! A parent may be able to use it in a calm, relatively non-violent manner but I won't even discuss its use here because I am not a parent, do not use it, and have never felt the need in any situation I have ever come across. This includes working with "behaviorally challenged" children, strong-willed children, children with developmental disabilities, manipulative children, and having to institute discipline in a household where none was previously used. What has worked in every one of those situations was consistency, stability, and the self discipline to repeat a lesson over and over until it is learned in a consistent, calm, and loving manner.

I hope I am not making it sound more difficult that it actually is because the reality is that with the vast majority of children they respond positively to this type of discipline very quickly and then it frees you up to enjoy them more. When it becomes very predictable to them how you will handle a given situation the challenges will grow fewer and farther between, although most children will challenge rules periodically just to see if it still stands.

This is what happens when a child who went to bed without a hitch for months suddenly decides to fuss about it. A few days to a week of consistency, things generally fall back into place again. A single instance of inconsistency however can dramatically draw out this time frame because now the child believes they may have found a way to either wear down your will or they have found some loophole.

There is a lot of good news with this. By getting over the rough spots with consistent use of sensible discipline frees both you and them to enjoy each other more, to be more caring and develop a genuine relationship. This is a way more rewarding relationship that you can get by simply indulging a child until they become unbearable, difficult, spoiled, and embarrassing in public! I look for a balance in discipline that shows respect for a child as a person. They may be a developing person but they are still a person with dignity. No type of discipline should shame a child or make them feel less. Being under the authority of an adult should be a protection to them from that kind of injury.